Ernest woke up at the fine hour of twelve o´clock. The minute he sat up on the sofa Mrs. Spencer put the kettle on. In fifteen minutes Mrs. Spencer was in to him with a tray carrying a good breakfast. “Thank you very much but I´d like to get a move on before Little Laura Long gets here.”
“Well she´s already been and went so you can relax and enjoy your breakfast.” replied Mrs. Spencer. “What are you saying? that can´t be, what did you say to her? she has a keen sense of smell, she would have smelt me in here.” said Ernest confusedly.
“Well you don´t have to worry about her any longer, I sorted out everything.”
“Not violently I hope, no offence but you have a bit of a reputation in these parts.”
“Just trust me, you have nothing to worry about.”
Ernest persisted. His reporter instinct was wide awake. He had to know how she did it.
He asked a ream of questions and pulled out his notebook from the inside pocket of his jacket. Mrs. Spencer muttered. “I think I´ve had enough of this,” she nudged the carpet bag with her slippers. The mole jumped out and ran across the sofa. He stopped behind the head of Ernest. “Hello there, “ said Ernest. The mole leaned over and whispered something in his ear. In no time at all Ernest was thanking Mrs. Spencer wholeheartedly and gathering his things together. Before he got into his truck he resowed all the flowers and then waved a grateful goodbye and set off in his truck.
It was windy outside, Mrs. Spencer waved, pulled her shawl around her and shut the door. She rolled her eyes to heaven and said to the mole. “Elves – they´re such a sensitive and serious lot, I don´t know about you but I´m going back to bed.”
Meanwhile Ernest was singing along to some song on the radio and driving over the speed limit. He suddenly stopped. The breaks shrieked. He opened the door. “Hop in, it isn´t really a day for walking. What´s your name?” He said. Little Laura Long jumped in and as she slammed the door shut a gust of wind blew Ernest´s wig onto the dashboard. He caught it and fixed it back on his head. “Sorry about that.” said the calculating voice of Little Laura Long. Her beady eyes peered at his pointy ears.
A peaceful hour passed. Suddenly there was a loud racket outside and wild knocking on the door. Mrs. Spencer didn´t even flinch. She sat silently on a kitchen stool sipping her tea. She heard someone shouting, “My old legs might be slow but my head is as fast as ever, come on out Ernest. I know you are in there hiding from me.” Mrs. Spencer got up slowly, complaining quietly about her arthritis. She went into the living room. Ernest was still snoring. She picked up her carpet bag and gave it a bit of a shake. Muffled noises came from inside it. She poked her head inside and sang, “Wake up my little mole!” Out popped the head of a bedraggled mole. He looked sleepy or maybe he just looked like a mole. They usually have a sort of sleepy look. “Has she arrived?” he asked rubbing the sleep out of the corner of his eyes. “Yes, she has, let´s go say hello.” answered Mrs. Spenser.
With her handbag under her arm she opened the door to a mad screaming Laura Long who was now tearing up Mrs. Spencer`s peonies. The mole popped his head out of the bag. He shouted at her, “leave the garden alone.” She stood to attention and dropped the flowers on the ground. “Get her to clean the house and weed the garden while you´re controlling her mind,” whispered Mrs. Spencer. “Let´s just keep to the work at hand, shall we?” retorted the mole raising an eyebrow at Mrs. Spencer´s cheek. “Now forget about Ernest Elf´s secret and leave him alone,” shouted the mole at Laura. She spun around on one foot and repeated, “forget about Ernest´s secret and leave him alone.” Then off she trotted on her little old legs.
He was desperate now. He had heard talk of another crazy lady with strange powers in the next neighbourhood. The following day just after talking little Laura Long into a deep slumber he ran out and hopped into his truck. He drove directly to where he had heard the crazy old lady lived. He knocked twice on the door. It squeaked open. “It´s three in the morning, if you´re thinking of robbing the place do it without waking me,” responded a grumpy voice.
“Wait,” shouted Ernest as he put his foot in the door. She proceeded to slam the door repeatedly.
“Agggh,” he screamed, pulling his leg out of danger. The door slammed firmly shut.
“I only want to know if you are Mrs. Spencer and if you can help me?” whimpered Ernest.
She opened the door wide. “Well that´s me and I´m awake now so you might as well come on in.” Ernest hobbled into the living room.
He told her the problem. She went into the kitchen for a while to make tea. “Keep going, I´m listening,” she shouted. She came back in with a tray of tea and some chocolate biscuits and a huge carpet bag under her arm. She put the tray on the coffee table and flung the bag on the floor. Ernest thought he heard a muffled cry of pain from the bag. He really needed to sleep. He asked Mrs. Spencer if he could crash out on the sofa as it was only a matter of time before little Laura Long tracked him down. “No problem,” she said and went to fetch blankets and a pillow for him. He thought he heard the words “go to sleep,” just before he collapsed into the comfy sofa, snoring loudly.
He started by googling the statement, “best ways to get rid of annoying people.” There was more written about how to get rid of annoying insects and how to be annoying yourself. “No wonder there are people like this,” he said “ I had no idea how acceptable it is for people to annoy each other, maybe I should simply just start annoying her!”
So the following morning he was up at the crack of dawn singing country and western melodies to the old crone. He also brought her breakfast in bed. She loved it. Obviously he needed some training in being annoying. He chatted to her constantly, badmouthing the neighbours and even the people she regarded as friends. She beamed with delight. Things were not working out. He put on the most violent movies he could find in the evening especially those with Steven Segal and he talked the whole way through it saying what was going to happen next and how each film would end. She couldn´t get enough and even started copying some karate maneuvers on him. When she was settling in for the night he stayed up constantly nattering and singing. Eventually. Worn out from the talk he said goodnight to her. She just smiled and said, “what a fantastic day!”
That day marked a new routine for many months to come. She eventually managed to move into the house, threatening him that if he locked the door to her she´d just broadcast his secret. He ended up like a slave. He would do the shopping for her, wash her cat, do the wash up, clean out the chimney when it didn´t need cleaning, empty her commode, buy her presents to keep her quiet, the list was endless. He had to get rid of this parasite. He thought of spreading some lie about her. After-all he worked in the media. He mixed in a few of his own articles into the news that was to be read at six. The news broadcaster suddenly announced that there had been an outbreak of anthrax in the house where Laura Long lived. Ernest was hopping for quarantine. Instead, she moved in with him, using the anthrax as an excuse. Now Ernest was desperate. A diabolical plan began to form between his pointy ears.
The ambulance roared into view and whisked Old Jim Young off. Little Laura Long actually had the nerve to try and persuade the ambulance drivers to get her cat down from the tree. They recommended calling the fire brigade, then they drove off. Of course she didn´t bother calling them. Ernest was about to call them for her when he saw her attempt to climb up the tree. He decided to put a stop to this tomfoolery. He ran out and told Laura that he thought he had seen smoke coming out of her kitchen window. As she dashed inside, he simply blinked twice and the cat was in his arms. He ran in after her and handed the bamboozled cat to the bewildered woman.
She slapped him across the face. “That´s for telling lies and frightening the heart out of me,” she shrieked. “Don´t mention it,” replied Ernest. Then she slapped him again, “…and that´s for watching everything from the window and not helping me sooner.”
With this slap his wig fell onto the cat who got such a fright he ran out the door and back up the tree. Little Laura Long saw Ernest´s pointy ears and scrumped up her eyes. She peered at him but said nothing more. Her little head was doing some mean calculating. Ernest almost saw the numbers flying out of her head. He muttered some embarrassed excuses and ran out across the road to his own place, holding the wig in place. He slammed the door. He felt safer. He lifted the peephole.
“Thank you for helping me,” came the squeaky voice of Little Laura Long. She was looking in the peephole at him which is impossible to do. “I´ve got some cookies for you. Why don´t you let me in and we´ll put the kettle on.”
He ignored her completely. “Oh no,” he sighed, “She knows.”
Ernest Elf put on his jacket and straightened his tie. Another day on the telly, reading the news. He scooped on his big black wig that covered his pointy ears. Until now no one knew he was an elf. He had a problem. If word got out that he wasn´t human he would probably lose human privileges and worse of all he would probably lose his job. The real problem was that the one person who knew he was an elf was better at spreading stories than any known newspaper. She was lethal. Little Laura Long was a little woman with long reach into the public. She was almost 92 years old but it didn´t stop her getting out and about.
It all started the day her cat got stuck up a tree. He watched the drama from his kitchen window. She was trying to persuade old Jim Young to climb up and bring it down. He actually got close to the cat . Then the evil thing scratched him and he came tumbling down. Ernest thought for a moment that he should go out and help. However, previous experience with old Laura Long told him to stay put. She was cursing and crying over poor old Jim Young who was desperately trying to get up off the ground. Ernest calmly rang for an ambulance. Then he sat down to watch the drama unfold.