He started by googling the statement, “best ways to get rid of annoying people.” There was more written about how to get rid of annoying insects and how to be annoying yourself. “No wonder there are people like this,” he said “ I had no idea how acceptable it is for people to annoy each other, maybe I should simply just start annoying her!”
So the following morning he was up at the crack of dawn singing country and western melodies to the old crone. He also brought her breakfast in bed. She loved it. Obviously he needed some training in being annoying. He chatted to her constantly, badmouthing the neighbours and even the people she regarded as friends. She beamed with delight. Things were not working out. He put on the most violent movies he could find in the evening especially those with Steven Segal and he talked the whole way through it saying what was going to happen next and how each film would end. She couldn´t get enough and even started copying some karate maneuvers on him. When she was settling in for the night he stayed up constantly nattering and singing. Eventually. Worn out from the talk he said goodnight to her. She just smiled and said, “what a fantastic day!”
That day marked a new routine for many months to come. She eventually managed to move into the house, threatening him that if he locked the door to her she´d just broadcast his secret. He ended up like a slave. He would do the shopping for her, wash her cat, do the wash up, clean out the chimney when it didn´t need cleaning, empty her commode, buy her presents to keep her quiet, the list was endless. He had to get rid of this parasite. He thought of spreading some lie about her. After-all he worked in the media. He mixed in a few of his own articles into the news that was to be read at six. The news broadcaster suddenly announced that there had been an outbreak of anthrax in the house where Laura Long lived. Ernest was hopping for quarantine. Instead, she moved in with him, using the anthrax as an excuse. Now Ernest was desperate. A diabolical plan began to form between his pointy ears.
The ambulance roared into view and whisked Old Jim Young off. Little Laura Long actually had the nerve to try and persuade the ambulance drivers to get her cat down from the tree. They recommended calling the fire brigade, then they drove off. Of course she didn´t bother calling them. Ernest was about to call them for her when he saw her attempt to climb up the tree. He decided to put a stop to this tomfoolery. He ran out and told Laura that he thought he had seen smoke coming out of her kitchen window. As she dashed inside, he simply blinked twice and the cat was in his arms. He ran in after her and handed the bamboozled cat to the bewildered woman.
She slapped him across the face. “That´s for telling lies and frightening the heart out of me,” she shrieked. “Don´t mention it,” replied Ernest. Then she slapped him again, “…and that´s for watching everything from the window and not helping me sooner.”
With this slap his wig fell onto the cat who got such a fright he ran out the door and back up the tree. Little Laura Long saw Ernest´s pointy ears and scrumped up her eyes. She peered at him but said nothing more. Her little head was doing some mean calculating. Ernest almost saw the numbers flying out of her head. He muttered some embarrassed excuses and ran out across the road to his own place, holding the wig in place. He slammed the door. He felt safer. He lifted the peephole.
“Thank you for helping me,” came the squeaky voice of Little Laura Long. She was looking in the peephole at him which is impossible to do. “I´ve got some cookies for you. Why don´t you let me in and we´ll put the kettle on.”
He ignored her completely. “Oh no,” he sighed, “She knows.”
Ernest Elf put on his jacket and straightened his tie. Another day on the telly, reading the news. He scooped on his big black wig that covered his pointy ears. Until now no one knew he was an elf. He had a problem. If word got out that he wasn´t human he would probably lose human privileges and worse of all he would probably lose his job. The real problem was that the one person who knew he was an elf was better at spreading stories than any known newspaper. She was lethal. Little Laura Long was a little woman with long reach into the public. She was almost 92 years old but it didn´t stop her getting out and about.
It all started the day her cat got stuck up a tree. He watched the drama from his kitchen window. She was trying to persuade old Jim Young to climb up and bring it down. He actually got close to the cat . Then the evil thing scratched him and he came tumbling down. Ernest thought for a moment that he should go out and help. However, previous experience with old Laura Long told him to stay put. She was cursing and crying over poor old Jim Young who was desperately trying to get up off the ground. Ernest calmly rang for an ambulance. Then he sat down to watch the drama unfold.
It was Tuesday but it felt like Wednesday and when it suddenly dawned on me that it was Tuesday I sighed at the thought of the long week ahead. The truck whacked me with such force against the traffic light I hardly felt it. Then it surged over me, the pain, red wetness all over me. I felt high. The pain was indescribable. Everything went into slow motion. I switched off from the noise of people screaming. I wanted to close my eyes and sleep but pinned where I was, I was in no position to tell them to be quiet. I felt the tap on my shoulder. It made me smile. My dad always said that when the man taps you on the shoulder and says it´s time to go, well it´s time to go and that´s that. It made me laugh that he actually tapped me on the shoulder. I couldn´t turn around so he slided up to my face. The sight of her, him or it terrified me. It was an enormous pink dinosaur.
“Hey I thought you´d at least carry a scythe and be dressed in black for the occasion!” I said through bloody tears and some kind of foam and green bile that flowed from my mouth.
“You can´t say anything, you´re no pin up yourself.” replied the disgusted dinosaur. Then it added, “You got the sign so let´s be off. Normally I let inquisitive creatures have one question before we go but seeing as you are an atheist I think you´ve already asked the right questions.”
“No, we most certainly will not.” I replied angrily. “It took a long life of learning and reading and trying out different religions and inventing my own beliefs and suffering from other people´s twisted sadistic ones that got me to this state of calm that I´m in right now. I know there is no life after death and I´ll be damned if I´m going to follow you to a land full of pink cheerful looking dinosaurs. I want it to end, not to continue.”
“ I´m not really a pink dinosaur, I´m a figment of your imagination as is all this. But what I really am is a channel in which the energy that you are can transform into another energy.”
“Oh no, not reincarnation!” I pleaded. “I just want to sleep.”
“Oh you will sleep,” said the dinosaur, “and you will be totally unaware of how your body will go back into the earth it fed off and exploited for years. Your rotting flesh will feed the worms and they will crawl through the earth and it will all go full circle. Humans flatter themselves with notions that they will be reincarnated into higher beings. Well be flattered. Your energy will go into one little earthworm and that little earthworm will do more good than any of your kind ever did.”
“I think I can die peacefully with that thought.” I replied.
“Of course you can, it´s a real honour and this is all only your imagination anyway.”answered the smiling pink dinosaur who was now sponging my face clean.
“One more thing…” I began, but the dinosaur evaporated and with it so did I.
I caught a fat big fish the other day.
I was walking down Gran via street with a fishing rod in my hand that I had bought the other day in El Rastro. At the time of purchase I thought it was a bit silly to sell fishing rods in a market in the middle of Madrid. Anyway, I sat on one of the benches somewhere between the numerous cinemas and theatres and I cast the line into the sprawl of rushing people. Some passersby looked at me strangely. Others ignored me thinking, “oh well, just another freak.”
I was sitting there for well over an hour in rubber boots that came up over my knees and matching waterproof trousers and jacket. Both were in a green that matched my eyes and I felt as if I looked well. It was thirty 30º c outside and 40º c inside my plastic outfit. I started to doze off under the heat. Suddenly my fishing rod took on a life of its own. I had to hold on to it firmly or risk being pulled violently off the bench into the footpath. The line was dragging off beyond a nearby kiosk that sold newspapers so I couldn´t make out what I had caught. I pulled hard. The line flung toward me. I got slapped in the face with a greasy toupee. A small round man with a moustache Mendelson would have been proud of, sauntered up to me and slapped me across the jaw. “How dare you.” he roared. Then he grabbed the toupee and adjusted it badly back on his swollen red head.
A week later while fishing away in the middle of Gran via I was joined by the little round man. He was dressed from head to toe in fishing tackle and he cast his line into the crowd. He saluted me with a nod. We sat there fishing and not saying a word for the whole day.
“How did you sleep?” and “Will you marry me?”
“To your first question, I slept terribly. I had to get up in the middle of the night to try and open the cellar door where I could hear my two missing sisters screaming for help to escape. It was impossible to open the door so we decided to wait until morning for you whoever you really are, to release them.”
“I´ll have them released immediately. With your kindness you have changed us back to our true form.”
“Maybe so,” said Sally. “To your second question, the answer is no. I was lost in the wood and then thankfully you let me stay the night. But where is it written that I had to repay your kindness by making you dinner and fixing up the beds. How do you know my sisters weren´t planning to pay you back once they got back to their house? For your treatment of my sisters I could never marry scum like you. And as for your footmen. I liked them better as animals. I didn´t ask for breakfast in bed. Open the cellar door and let us be off. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”
She nagged on and on at him for about half an hour until he opened the cellar door and ordered the footmen to show the three sisters the right way home.
Once home Sally declared to all the household that the next time the woodcutter had a great idea he could shove it where the sun don´t shine.
The end
The following day over breakfast you would think the wood cutter would have shown some concern for the disappearance of his two daughters. Instead he ordered Sally to bring him his lunch. So later that day Sally headed into the forest to track him down with his lunch under her armpit.
Of course she wasn´t going to leave a trail of seeds or breadcrumbs. She painted all the trees she passed with a white arrow. However she didn´t have much luck finding the whereabouts of her father either. It started to rain. She went into a dark cave to escape the down pour.
When she came out she realised that the paint she had used was completely inferiour to the real stuff and the rain had washed away her only means of getting home. She wandered around for a bit trying to look for landmarks but without success.
After some time, she came across the same little cottage with the smoke curling out of the chimney.
“Come in,” croaked an old voice. She did. An old man sat at a wooden table. Behind the table were a horse, a donkey and a fox.
“Can I stay?” she asked.
The old man looked at the animals, they replied, “yes, no, maybe so.”
This was interpreted as yes. The old man told Sally to go into the kitchen and make herself something to eat. She did just that and she also made something for the old man and the animals.
The old man told her to go into the spare bedroom and make the bed for herself. She did just that and she also made up the beds for the old man and the animals.
Finally, after doing the wash up for them she went to bed.
The following morning she awoke to a great surprise. She sat up in a bed that was plushy and comfy. Three foot men knocked and entered the room bringing her breakfast and glamorous gowns to wear. Finally a handsome prince came into the room and asked her two questions.
Meanwhile back at the house on the edge of the forest the wood cutter came up with the ingenious idea of sending his second daughter – Stella, into the forest with his lunch. The family protested of course, especially as Sue hadn´t returned yet. However, there was no arguing with him and the very next day Stella headed into the forest with his lunch.
She left a trail of breadcrumbs in order to find her way back. She got lost and when she tried to find her way back to the house the birds had eaten up all the breadcrumbs. So what did she do only sit on a log and eat the woodcutter´s lunch.
Night fell. She wandered around until she saw a cottage. She knocked on the door.
“Come in,” croaked an old voice. She did. An old man sat at a wooden table. Behind the table were a horse, a donkey and a fox.
“Can I stay?” she asked.
The old man looked at the animals, they replied, “yes, no, maybe so.”
This was interpreted as yes. The old man told Stella to go into the kitchen and make herself something to eat. She did.
The old man told her to go into the spare bedroom and make the bed for herself. She did.
Finally, when she dropped off the old man came into the room and pulled a lever on the wall. Down she went into the cellar. The animals clapped.
The story is based on a real fairytale. This is a rewrite of an obviously incorrect account of proceedings.
Once upon a time there was a family that lived on the edge of a forest and on the edge of society. The household was made up of a stout mother a short father and three bad looking daughters. They were Sad Sue, Stubborn Stella and Silly Sally.
One fine day the father, who happened to be a wood cutter had an idea. He didn´t often have one so he was right proud of himself whenever he did get one. He announced his great idea over the dinner table.
“As of from now I am not going to carry my own lunch with me every morning when I head off into the forest. I have enough to carry between my axe and the wood I cut.”
“But you have a pony and cart,” said the wife, “ I don´t see why you can´t carry the lunch in that too?”
“Listen woman,” began the wood cutter, “do you want the story to develop or not, the original story has less detail than this one.”
“Fair enough so,” said the stout lady.
The wood cutter proceeded to explain how he thought it would be an excellent idea if the eldest girl, Sue, brought the lunch to him every day at noon. And of course there was no arguing with him even though it was quite obviously a waste of everyone´s time. However that´s the way the original story goes.
So the next day the wood cutter went to work as usual. At lunchtime Sue headed out the door with his lunch under her arm and a bag of seeds. Halfway into the forest she had to leave a trail of seeds in order to be able to find her way back. Now what I didn´t understand from the original story is how the woodcutter got in and out of the forest no bother, while she needed the seeds.
In the end she didn´t even find the wood cutter to give him his lunch. To make matters worse she didn´t find the trail back home either because the birds ate up all the seeds.
She sat down on a log and ate the wood cutter´s lunch. What was she going to do now?
Night fell. She wandered around a bit until she saw in the distance a cottage with welcoming smoke curling out of the chimney.
She knocked on the door. “Come in,” said an old voice. Inside was an old man at a wooden table and behind the table stood a horse, a donkey and a fox. In the original story I can´t remember exactly what type of animals they were. This is near enough.
“Can I stay?” she asked.
The old man looked at the animals, they replied, “yes, no, maybe so.”
This was interpreted as yes. The old man told Sue to go into the kitchen and make herself something to eat. She did.
The old man told her to go into the spare bedroom and make the bed for herself. She did.
Finally when she dropped off the old man came into the room and pulled a lever on the wall. Down she went into the cellar. The animals clapped.